10.32 pm

have you ever had one of those nights that everything seems so wrong and you're trying to figure out why
or maybe im just feeling restless and tired, as if the world is moving fast, too fast in fact.
i'll be the one slowly dragging my feet to get pass it, to the finish line and oh god, how i wish time would just stop and i'll be able to catch my breath. there's too much of everything, too little of nothing that i feel like im done figuring out the purpose if i can't even keep up with life. how i wish, how i wish that things are different, that im an entirely different person, how i wish i'm someone that forgets, and cold hearted enough to do what i feel like doing without thinking of the pros and cons, see. i dont know what im talking about. theres too fucking many things in my mind and if i could just throw everything away. i feel empty.. in a way. like everything doesnt add up to what is enough for me, i think i expect too much of something that it ends up making me feel like a worthless piece of shit because nothing will ever be enough for me, im sorry im a greedy person, but sometimes i want something and when i cant get it i feel like im falling, free falling into nothing. and the worst part about it is, i dont know when will i stop falling. it's like alice in wonderland you see, you're falling and you see everything around you moving slowly and you're just waiting for the moment where you're reaching solid ground. but i would keep on falling. deeper. and deeper. until.. forever

i dont want things to be this way, but it's my fault. i keep on making this small mistakes and i know one day it will turn out to be something big, and it keeps on getting bigger until the mess i made swallow me whole, fuck what the fuck is wrong with me. i dont know what im writing about, i dont know what i feel, i dont know what i want. i dont know. i just dont know and one day maybe i'll know that something arent suppose to be understood, like how things work just because they work like that, and how the cycle keeps on repeating itself and maybe thats how things are suppose to be. i dont know what im talking about. maybe i wouldnt know forever.

you see im writing all this shit in my head that i dont actually know what im writing about. i dont know where is this leading to, but i feel empty. i feel empty and sad, and mad. but at the same time, some things make me happy, too happy. and fuck reaching the down low is a very torturing thing.