jaymes young inspired me

When I was young, all I ever wanted to do was grow up and turn 18, or 20, or 15. That was what my 7 year old self wanted. Being 7, parental guidance creeps me out, makes me anxious, to have 2 elders breathing on your neck was not one of my interests When I was young, to summarized the whole thing, I just wanted to be older so that I can go anywhere alone because parents was lame. Now that I know for sure is I want to take back every word I said about wanting to be older. I swore to myself I would never touch a cigarette, because they smell bad, and yucky. Now, they are like a ventilator to me, not literally, but I kinda need it to breathe, I swore I would never drink alcohol, whiskey was disgusting, alcohol tastes bitter. I kinda realize that all my thoughts when I was young wouldnt get me anywhere

Growing up, everything changes, all my hopes and fears, expectations and dreams are replaced. Last time, studying came off easy to me. I woke up at 6am on a weekend and do shitloads of exercise, not knowing its useless shit, getting straight A's in primary school was easy, making my parents proud was easy. Now its like nothing can enter my mind probably because it has all been occupied with things that dont matter, like getting a D for chemistry, or at least get a double digit for add maths, or ways to stop smoking or how much money do I have left to get a box of Winston or Canyon. Growing up makes you suck in certain things.

When I was young, all I ever wanted was lollipop and fucking rabbit candies, you know the white ones with the plastic wrapped around it. Now all I want is just a few good smokes to last through the day. The irony isn't it? I despise smokers, I hate the cigarette smell, I hate how it looked like between my brother's fingers. I feared ghosts under my bed, how the nights get dark, I cant sleep without a nightlight and the fan squeaking makes me scared. Ugh now, they're becoming a part of me and I just want to wrap myself in darkness, I would paint the whole room black, and soak myself with black paint. I fear more of waking up in the middle of the night and question my entire existence, wonder bout the world, realised that it's actually me who I fear most.

Growing up changes you, everything that made sense before, like the bible and God, doesn't makes sense now. And it's like things dont really matter now and it's not making sense anymore, and curiosity has taken its toll on me, and it's making me weak.