Sunday, February 22, 2015
Half a century bullies
that I dont kiss your cheeks before I leave for school
That I dont hold your hand when I cross the road
And home became a torturous space to be in
And most nights I'll imagine you praising me
Only to be met by a cold answer in a raised voice
I'm sorry my mind is clouded about the world
that my brain is not meant for calculating the tangent of a triangle
or ways an acid and an alkali can react
That there are things much more important that bothers me
How my friend ran from home and live on alcohol
How these people get so broken they rely on drugs
And I just wanted to help
But I was a mess too
Im sorry I'm not one who has strong faith in God
That every Sunday morning I'll find excuses to stay in bed
It's not because of waking up early
I just didn't want to pray to god with devils in my heart
But, one day I promise I'll be good
I'm sorry I didnt want to spend time with you
You kept on saying I was embarrassed,
maybe I am.
Because people look at us and see how perfect we are not knowing things that happened under the roof.
And It's upsetting how we always end up fighting about unimportant stuff because I answered back and you kept on saying how I am still so young and I didnt know what I was saying
I'm still naive, and immature
I dont know whats happening in the real world
I'm not as smart as I think I am.
But I think I know enough.
I'm sorry I'm not as naive and blunt when I was 9,
That when I look at you I see a hero
But thinking back, I was not that happy
You were never my hero
I'm sorry you had a girl in your family
That you had to argue over clothes that I wanted to wear
Because they were too revealing, too skimpy
That my shorts are too short when they were long enough
And then you had to to point out the flaws I was aware of
how skinny I look,
how pale, bony, flat chested, flat ass
that I dont look appealing as a girl
my hair is wild, rough
How the girl in the mall with the rm90 mac lipstick
RM900 Dr Martens shoes,
and the crop top that shows her belly button looks beautiful
But when I asked why I was not allowed.
It was because I had no curves to pull off an outfit like that.
How I on the other hand... look decent enough to get out of the house
You want the best for me, that I understand
I still understand.
I thought only people my age can be bullies, oh
I was wrong
I was always wrong.