my feelings taste bitter, like bittergourd

why am i always at fault

what have i done to you

why do you look at me but you're not looking at me

why are you looking past me

why do i have to pretend like you didn't hurt me

why do i have to act untouchable

why do you hurt me so much

what have i done to you

what have i done to you

why do you hurt me

i don't want to be hurt by you

why do you hurt me so much

you are the reason

every touch of yours sends shivers down my spine,
every kiss ignites even the unlit candles on churches altars
every bye made me wish that i had the power to stop time just so I could kiss you longer
and every hello brightens up even the gloomiest of days

those are the cliches in every wattpad fictions that I never thought I could feel

million years ago,
I'd crumble in my room as the rain splatters on my windowpane hoping the storm could initiate a reaction in me yet all I felt was misery.
million years ago,
I'd sped through the highway breaking through the meters
hoping I could feel

and now, I'm feeling so much,
so much of love and appreciation
the care and affection that you give me,
your worries and annoyance towards my stubborn attitude
waves of laughter and tender voices on the days that we feel like it
you're the only person that could make me shed a tear just by saying you love me
the only person that could touch me and make me feel like I'm on fire
the only person that could make me feel everything.

and after 31 days of being in love and be loved
I realized the damage caused by all the wicked could be healed,
you sew my torn heart together
and still could find something else to repair.
you could still see something good in me, and hopefully never the bad.

after 31 days,
it still feels like it's Christmas all year round
after 31 days,
you have become a sure thing
both your flaws and strength are etched on my mind
but I still want to unravel you, I still want to find out what your deepest, darkest secret is
I still want to know what you crave for on rainy days,
and what you'd like to have on a bright sunny afternoon.

thank you for being you.
thank you for loving me.
thank you for all the coffees and beer
and driving me around
and fulfilling my cravings
and wishing me good morning and good night every day, never missing one day.
thank you for trusting me and believing in me even when I had zero confidence in myself
thank you for caring. thank you for being the greatest lover that I know in this lifetime
and even in the next lifetime or the next parallel universe,
I wish it'll be you. It will always be you.
I love you so much even the universe cant stop me.

YWY

I never truly knew what love was until I was screaming my lungs out and listening to you laugh
I never truly knew what love was until you held my hands and ask me if I'm happy, always, every day.
I never truly knew what love was until I felt like tearing up when you said you love me.

I love you, unconditionally.
You are everything.
I know what love is when I realized every love song that I listened to is all about you
I know what love is when you held my hands and at that moment I swear to you I never want to let go

I wake up and sweetness fills the air, another day with you, another story to write about.
Love is feeling your fingers trace my hands as the colorful light blinds my eyes during Igudesman
Love is feeling like I'm a completely different world, but feeling at home with you.
Love is our car ride singing along to songs that we dont know the lyrics to
Love is waking up feeling sure that I'll be only loving you
You are my love, I never thought it was possible loving somebody this much
Every second that I spent with you, I wish I could drag it longer
You will always be, my happiness, my peace
You will forever feel like home
because you are my home and I want it to be that way forever

Love is kissing your cheeks when you're getting near my house
Love is sipping on my bubbly wine and being entranced by the moving fountains, feeling your hands hold mine.
Love is you, you are love.
You are the definition of love.

Love is knowing I'm clear and convinced that you will be my future and I'll try my very best to make it work.
Only you can make me feel like this, and if this isn't love, then I don't know what is.
You've shown me the real meaning of loving somebody and I love you. and I think I say I love you too much but
I love you.

I love you when we were high up on the Ferris wheel,
I love you even when you were wearing flip flops and shorts
I'll love you through it all.
Even when you're being annoying during the movies,
You, I'm sure of.

.a love letter for the broken.

see what you've become
red wine stains on your saint white carpet
skid marks on newly paved cement.

see what you've become
a dent on your wooden cupboard that holds all you love dear
the dull pain on your knuckles serve as a remembrance of what you held just seconds ago
clench your fist too hard & you'll bleed all over the floor
love too hard & you'll ache all over

what you loved was without life
who you loved wasn't for you
the love you felt, it wasn't true
and the regret that haunts you will always be you.
but

the bruised purple hue of earth's glorious sunset transitions
changes are imminent.
Have Hope.
your depression will soon cease to exist
your prolonged ache will draw to a close
the skies will stop mourning for your torpedoed heart

expect your days to be beaming
for the sun to slowly blind your eyes
you'll escape the darkness you've comfortably rest in
you will be the one that got away.

words I never said

you were the sunset,
an awe how the pastels colour collide,
a medleys of opposite
a reminder that even at the end of the day you perfected the wrongs,
you completed my canvas with blues and gold
a contradiction for the conventionals,
but flawlessness for Gogh.

for my past love

you guided me in ways that I can see hope in between the cracks,

the clash of faiths

the most unexpected things happens after a devastating fallout
could it be God, or the other gods, could it be the yin & yangs
but after all, it only depends on where your belief stands
losing myself in the thought of whether the earth is round or flat
whether the heavens accept sinners like me
or hell would welcome me with huge balls of fire
whether the apocalypse would be an earthquake, or instead fires becoming fountains
could be it that the one eyed devils would come and claim my soul
or the fallen angels like lucifer will.

I'm losing myself in rubbish thoughts
maybe the northmen never knew who Odin was
or whether Freya is a female, or male.

but it all comes down to only one conclusion,
what you believe is what your belief is and no one should tell you that your God is false.

wasting my young tears - london grammar

trusting someone is some shitty thing that u gotta risk ur fuckin sanity for it
u gotta be ignorant and no matter how many times u feel like u wanna look back
heck dont do it
don't care about anything else thats not related to you
its a freaking cruel thing what the universe did on each of our soul
but its more cruel that someone else can play god
the world is already fucked and we are all too

don't look back at the warmth hugs, the ones that can make ur bones shiver and ur knees weak
don't let the kisses remind u that ur lips are chapped and ur hands are wet
don't let the memories haunt ur bed, how the pillows dip and
don't make the sheets wet with those wasted tears

never let him linger

burn, let it burn, let the cigarette burn and the smell of alcohol blankets the smell of of his cologne
fuck around, fuck around until the stars starts to dim
fuck around until u're passed out on the corner begging to be alive
fuck around until u found god in the toilet bowl
fuck around until u feel u're fucked enough

next time somebody calls me a lover, i'll make sure i don't fall for it again

my sanctuary is everything cold

I told myself I am a war veteran, that the previous war was a constant battle in my mind
only escaping without a scratch but a battered soul
but the lies I feed, they have a way of getting back to me

because soon after I realised, what I thought was a delusion is real
that the scratches, scars, and stitches they are 3D painted on my skin
I did not escape without a single scratch
I escaped with my body and soul torn apart

I escaped with fragments of bullets in my bones
and I escaped with the idea that everything I used to be before is what I am now
is what I am still

that I am no longer a war veteran, I am still in war,
only this time, I could never leave

the destruction in everything

bring me closer to the warmth of the sun

.

remember when i said i am accustomed to loneliness? turns out my mind is growing out of it
i could feel myself inching closer towards insanity
perhaps this confined space isn't what i deemed to be a sanctuary

i could feel my throat constricting, allowing no voice allowing silence in this desolated surrounding
no matter what i do, no matter what i say, those words come out and burn in air
l
feel
so
helpless

if only.. if only

9.23pm (I feel like a rose)

there comes a time when i am forced to let go of thoughts that once felt like sunflowers multiplying in the depth of my sanity, 

me and other things

believing is like walking blindly in a dark terrifying room with no light illuminating your moves, no shadows to trail behind you. it's as if you are walking towards an army of rage filled horny men who derives their soul from the blazing under, and fear penetrates every inch of you, but at least you feel fear and imagine, 

the shadow comes tenene

I was wrong, thinking that I'd be fine

Half a century bullies

I'm sorry I am not a good daughter 

I am too angry

everyones hating, all of us are buried deep down in the graves of lies and darkness. everyones so caught up in living they never fucking realise that every minute and every breath you take that we're all running towards the end. it's pointless. we fight, and hate. we love, and break, we care and we kill, and there are wars and people dying. Intoxicated people who drank too much alcohol, those addicted to drugs who knows how to work their ways with needles, smoking a joint till you sleep dead. why do we kill when we will all die we will all rot we will all disappear we're never really going to get away we cant run away 

1.25am

you know what they say about 1am
and the way it kills
i didnt know a night could kill
i didnt know a certain time would make you think
an airplane passed my house
and all i could wonder is there are millions of people out there
that i would die to meet
but im stuck in this silly boring place
with my brains all over the place
this lit cigarette between my fingers
is slowly burning away
like the rest of my life is
its burning away every second
1 second gone, 2 sec, 3, 4..7.......10 seconds
just like the tears
that is flowing out
my shoulders are shaking
why is this happening to me
i ask myself over and over again, why am i sad
why am i sad when i have the man by my side
why, when i have friends all over the country
but none,
none can explain this sunken feeling in my chest
i think i might have made myself comfortable
and compatible with loneliness
god it feels so good
thats why they tell you its bad to stay up at night
because they know,
some people are fucking now, moaning their lungs out with the pleasure they're feeling
some are dying, grieving
and im here being the mess i am
but god help me
i know i'm evil
but i dont want to be the devil, why why why why why why why why
explain to me god fucking damn it
why are you doing this to me
why
why
why
why
why
olafur arnalds is blowing my mind away
just like the kiss you gave me the other day

jaymes young inspired me

When I was young, all I ever wanted to do was grow up and turn 18, or 20, or 15. That was what my 7 year old self wanted. Being 7, parental guidance creeps me out, makes me anxious, to have 2 elders breathing on your neck was not one of my interests When I was young, to summarized the whole thing, I just wanted to be older so that I can go anywhere alone because parents was lame. Now that I know for sure is I want to take back every word I said about wanting to be older. I swore to myself I would never touch a cigarette, because they smell bad, and yucky. Now, they are like a ventilator to me, not literally, but I kinda need it to breathe, I swore I would never drink alcohol, whiskey was disgusting, alcohol tastes bitter. I kinda realize that all my thoughts when I was young wouldnt get me anywhere

Growing up, everything changes, all my hopes and fears, expectations and dreams are replaced. Last time, studying came off easy to me. I woke up at 6am on a weekend and do shitloads of exercise, not knowing its useless shit, getting straight A's in primary school was easy, making my parents proud was easy. Now its like nothing can enter my mind probably because it has all been occupied with things that dont matter, like getting a D for chemistry, or at least get a double digit for add maths, or ways to stop smoking or how much money do I have left to get a box of Winston or Canyon. Growing up makes you suck in certain things.

When I was young, all I ever wanted was lollipop and fucking rabbit candies, you know the white ones with the plastic wrapped around it. Now all I want is just a few good smokes to last through the day. The irony isn't it? I despise smokers, I hate the cigarette smell, I hate how it looked like between my brother's fingers. I feared ghosts under my bed, how the nights get dark, I cant sleep without a nightlight and the fan squeaking makes me scared. Ugh now, they're becoming a part of me and I just want to wrap myself in darkness, I would paint the whole room black, and soak myself with black paint. I fear more of waking up in the middle of the night and question my entire existence, wonder bout the world, realised that it's actually me who I fear most.

Growing up changes you, everything that made sense before, like the bible and God, doesn't makes sense now. And it's like things dont really matter now and it's not making sense anymore, and curiosity has taken its toll on me, and it's making me weak.

10.32 pm

have you ever had one of those nights that everything seems so wrong and you're trying to figure out why
or maybe im just feeling restless and tired, as if the world is moving fast, too fast in fact.
i'll be the one slowly dragging my feet to get pass it, to the finish line and oh god, how i wish time would just stop and i'll be able to catch my breath. there's too much of everything, too little of nothing that i feel like im done figuring out the purpose if i can't even keep up with life. how i wish, how i wish that things are different, that im an entirely different person, how i wish i'm someone that forgets, and cold hearted enough to do what i feel like doing without thinking of the pros and cons, see. i dont know what im talking about. theres too fucking many things in my mind and if i could just throw everything away. i feel empty.. in a way. like everything doesnt add up to what is enough for me, i think i expect too much of something that it ends up making me feel like a worthless piece of shit because nothing will ever be enough for me, im sorry im a greedy person, but sometimes i want something and when i cant get it i feel like im falling, free falling into nothing. and the worst part about it is, i dont know when will i stop falling. it's like alice in wonderland you see, you're falling and you see everything around you moving slowly and you're just waiting for the moment where you're reaching solid ground. but i would keep on falling. deeper. and deeper. until.. forever

i dont want things to be this way, but it's my fault. i keep on making this small mistakes and i know one day it will turn out to be something big, and it keeps on getting bigger until the mess i made swallow me whole, fuck what the fuck is wrong with me. i dont know what im writing about, i dont know what i feel, i dont know what i want. i dont know. i just dont know and one day maybe i'll know that something arent suppose to be understood, like how things work just because they work like that, and how the cycle keeps on repeating itself and maybe thats how things are suppose to be. i dont know what im talking about. maybe i wouldnt know forever.

you see im writing all this shit in my head that i dont actually know what im writing about. i dont know where is this leading to, but i feel empty. i feel empty and sad, and mad. but at the same time, some things make me happy, too happy. and fuck reaching the down low is a very torturing thing.

6.06pm, too late

this is what happens when you let someone in,
when you trust someone so much you'd look past the flaws
you'd look past everyone's judgements and thoughts, and their cruel -actually true- remarks

this is what happens when you think you are important enough,
loved, cared of, adored,
thinking at last,
someone thinks of you as a beautiful rose,
not a piece of shit you actually are

and that delusional mind of yours will start to think
that maybe this is the time of your life, the one that you are waiting for,
the one that you lived for -this moment-

this is what happens when you feel infinite,
when you feel high, in euphoria,
so content with yourself,
full of hope on life, full of love

but darling,
one day, everything is gonna be fucked up
you'll get beaten down when you think you are doing fine,
you're gonna stoop so low until one day -now- you're at the lowest point in your life,
stuck in your reality and fantasy
telling yourself that this is all meant to be
and you're just gonna stuck there forever,
no way out.

this is what happens when you expect too much.
you're gonna be so fucking low
everything doesn't makes sense anymore,
or maybe everything does but your heart is too cold to accept the truth

that little voice in your head will make you think,
that someday somewhere, someone will help you out of the mess you are in,
thinking they would make it better

but for god's sake only making it worse,
the nights are more bitter than they actually are,
the days more torturous
you find yourself praying to god (if he listens, if he cares)
for the minutes to pass by faster than they actually are,
begging for the day to end,
just so you can crawl back under the dirty sheets where your comfort lays
surrounded by a cage, imprisoned but safe knowing no one can pass through the lock doors
and cemented walls,

sadly, realizing that you are alone,
alone, empty and sad
will make you feel better
because sometimes loneliness can be a good friend
because it never gave you any mixed feelings,
never hate and hope, or angry and sad.
just lonely,

i guess thats why all the insanes are in the cells,
because it's the only way to keep them sane
knowing they'll be locked in there for a long period of time
just them and their cruel mind, just them and their wicked smiles

the prison guards and their nicotine break,
never bothering to look sideways when walking down the hallways
because looking at the insanes, will make them insane too.

i guess that's whats happening with you,
you are insane, and you're making me lose my sanity too
and i hate you for it, i hate you.

ali maju and me, and everyone else

the irony though, we waste all our hours doing nothing, getting high at 3am, sneaking booze out from the house drinking under the stars with people you think you can trust. skipping class to sit around a plastic red table surrounded by people who practically dont have a clue on what they are doing in life, talking about things they don't have a clue about just for the sake to look smarter and then the lit cigarette between their fingers huffing puffing exhaling their worries-if they have some- and a smoke war happens with the table beside but this time with their hookah double apple mint and what happens to the girls in shorts and cute dresses? Are they sneaking out of their houses or skipping tuition class, running away from their homes, and the guys.. tons of hot piece of ass wearing football jersey, with 2 cigarettes boxes in front of them maybe a marlboro and a mevius or what shit, thats the trend isn't it? buying that instead of johns and pine, thinking maybe they'd look richer, or maybe they are rich? too fucking rich. using their cash like water fountains on coffees and cigarettes or maybe it's all about the brand and the price. they put the johns in the marl box, but not giving a stick to their best mate sebab tak nak kantoi. life at night isnt as wonderful as you think it is. waiting though, who the fuck likes waiting. waiting for someone, waiting for a reply, waiting for the goddamn friend who says she'll be there in 5, but an hour later she's off hanging with bunch of guys she just met, then there's the one you'd sacrifice for, would do anything for, made you wait for 2 hours and not showing up. you tell me that life is beautiful, but you dont see the cracks in them the way i do, life is as fucked up as a used condom, as fucked up as the whole world now is. as fucked up as the guy who works for drugs, as fucked up as the one runs away from reality every single day and shows up at 5am like it's nobody's business, as fucked up as the other girl who dates different guys every day but goddamit get your fucking head in the game, life is a fucking game that you cant run away from. when you think it lets you go, it will drag you back to the low life slum you once came from. life isn't lively anymore, you're stuck doing the same thing everyday, and you dont know why. ask yourself this, what is your definition of life?

addiction;

i am addicted to you as i am with cigarettes
addicted to
the taste of ice and warmth and the foggy feels in my lungs as i breathe you in
i am addicted to you as i am with the warmth of lying under my blanket on rainy days
addicted to you as i am with the kick of caffeine at 2am

you;
you're my addiction

I will keep you safe.

I WILL KEEP YOU SAFE 

I am the master of destruction, they call me a demon. A face of mine is scarred with burnt skin hiding my vision. I live in the mind of most people, depression and loneliness is my home. I feed on the weak.

What you see in figures isn't me, nor am I hiding under your bed waiting for the time to leap out and suck the soul out of you. I am not at the world, I am in your mind waiting for the time when you are most vulnerable, when you are most desperate for relief of pain.

I am what drives you to grab the razor and cut your skin. I am responsible for your scars that is fading but never gone. I am your hallucination, of what you see in yourself. The mirror is my magic, the mirror is my accomplice. It makes you see what I want you to see, it makes you feel what I want you to feel.

What I want you to feel is despair, and hatred. Self pity that hides in your eyes and self hate on your body. I am who lives to see you live in pain. I am your soul, and you are mine. Once you get to know who I am, or what I am you will begin to love me and understand for I am the reason you are still alive, but the only downside is, I am forever.

I am the reason you find solace in your room, putting up your walls for defense. I am the reason you are afraid of yourself at 3am and I am the reason you are losing every person you love. But I will keep you safe.

Love is cruel, love is what makes you weak. Love is manipulative.

I will make you hate the one closest to you, I will make you say things you dont mean, but deep down you do because you hate humanity and you hate living, just like how I much I am against happiness and love.

I am the only one that stays through your loneliest night and your brightest days but I will keep you safe.

I will keep you safe when I force you to hang yourself. I will keep you safe when I make you jump from a building. I will keep you safe when I make you push in deeper till the blades hit your veins. Because I am the only one that cares enough not to let danger hurt you. People are dangerous, feelings are dangerous. Love and happiness is danger because it isn't real. But I am real, and I live in your mind. Dont be frightened because I will keep you safe.

death of a criminal

lover with soft kissed lips and our tongues danced in rhythms u had me at the walls with a gun on your hand screaming to give my all 

delusional blood

immortality feeding the weaklings
got burned in the fury of hell
if god gave us a chance
save my soul take me to the court
feed me excuses and lies to fuck me within
for i cant bear a second of this pain

it flows in me like blood in my veins
pumping in crooked path, lies in me
it stays forever
i have no end for i am forever

i have a piece of sanity
not less not more for an eternity
i doubt anyone sane would want another minute of this insanity,
this cruel gift

bring me to the court
feed me with lies
i am forever, i am guilty for life

idk 1

hah

the saddest thing about life and people living in it is
most of us are too outspoken at times
that we shatter most hearts in silence

we genuinely whisper what we mean
and talk what we they want us to say

we've lost control of ourself
and we're losing someone in the process

hi

sadness
it wont go away
it wont leave
it'll eat you up inside
burns you
kills every feeling youve ever had;
happiness
love
hope.
it kills everyone around you
leaves you broken and numb
and after
it will go away
just to visit after a day